You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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