I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
