"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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