I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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