I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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