No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
