Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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