I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
