New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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