I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
