If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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