so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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