plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
