you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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