It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize