I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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