I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
