I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
