**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
