come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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