Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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