I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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