Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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