4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
