I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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