Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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