captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
