Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
