i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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