My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
