that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
