I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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