There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize