I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
