my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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