Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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