Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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