Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
