yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
