I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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