My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the liver wants what the liver wants
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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