Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
