Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
