I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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