Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
