Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
