by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
