Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
