Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize