I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
