God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
