How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
