I think im going to throw up on grandma
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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