Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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