:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
