1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
