On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
