I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
