Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
