I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
