Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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