I wish I could teleport
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
