she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
