we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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