yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
