She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
