new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
